TW- talk of cyclical rape

Once i was asked
"What is Love to you?"

I gave a scientific spiel
I couldn't say what love was to me

What is love to me?

Love was when I was 4, running along the catwalk by home, & the old man at the farthest end on the bench asked me for a hug
Love was b4 he placed me on his lap
Love was b4 he rubbed his dick on me while forcing me to stay put
Love was b4 he wouldn't let me go
Love was b4 he breathed his pleasure groans into my ears & nose
Love was b4 he stained me

Love was when i was 6 and i would love to sit with my legs wide open on the couch
Love was b4 my parents would tell me to close my legs because it was inappropriate
Love was b4 they shamed me

Love was when I was 8, with my 13 yo 'boyfriend' & he asked if he could touch me beneath my skirt
Love was when I said "no"
Love was b4 he touched me underneath anyways

Love was when i was 10
On the way home from the basketball court near our home
Love was when I saw the old man struggling with his heavy bags &went to help him
Love was when we arrived to his destination & before he closed his gates on me
B4 he forced me into his house
B4 he attempted to get sexual favors from me
B4 i had to survive the shock
Love was when i chose not to hurt him in the process of fleeing

Love was when I was 11, pretending to be 13 & snuck to see my 18 yo 'boyfriend' bob in the underground level of home
Love was b4 he harshly touched my pussy as I was trying to overpower & stop him

Love was when i was 12
At the movies with my 17 yo 'boyfriend'
When i was eager to hold his hand & before he placed my hand on his dick
Love was when i removed it, & b4 i had to fight the constant push & pull throughout the whole movie

Love was when I was in grade 7 & thought my friend in grade 10 cared for me
Love was before he asked me to shave my pussy
B4 i wondered why he wanted me to shave it
Love was when he took me for a walk,
and before he sexually abused me as his friend watched

Love was when i was 13, at a school party for grades 6-12
When Carlo from grade 11 asked me to go for a talk outside of school
Love was when i felt all the excitement in the world & went
Love was when we kissed
& before he placed my hand on his dick while my eyes were still closed
Love was before he asked me if I knew what to do
Love was when I said "ew no! I haven't & don't want to!"
Love was before he jeeked off on me.

Love was when i was 14, and had what i thought was my first caring boyfriend
Love was when he wanted to sacrifice religious differences for me
Love was when he asked me to go for a ride and risked not having a license for me
Love was when he drove his parent's car to "look at a beautiful view" with me
Love was before he trapped me and forced his touch on my body despite the physical and verbal fight i put on each time
Love was when i didn't out him

Love was when I was 14, and started dating the first man who never touched me without asking
Love was when he stayed loving me after I was forced to stop talking to him by my mother

Love was when i was 17, had been dating for a year, and when i agreed to have my first alcoholic drink with him
Love was before he placed a pill in it
And before he forcefully penetrated my hymen with his finger
Love was before i bled at home on the toilet seat
Love was when i didn't use my resources for revenge on him

Love was when I was 19, in a new country, laying in bed naked for the first time
With my boyfriend on top of me
Love was when he asked me if he could penetrate me with his dick
Love was when i said no to penetration, and yes to play
Love was when i said i had never had sex yet and that i did not want to
Love was before he thrusted into me with all his strength regardless of anything i uttered or did
Love was when i didn't murder him in self defense because I knew nothing else

Love was when i was 21, and dating for over a year
Before i found out he was cheating on me with his ex
Love was when i decided to break up with him
When i brought us lunch and asked if we could talk
when i asked if we could be close friends instead of dating
Love was when he said he needed to have sex one last time first
Love was when i said no
That i did not want to
That i want us to be friends, starting now
Love was before he held me by the neck against the window of my home
Before he threw me across the room
Ripping my winter jacket in half
Before he decided to go through with it
Before he fucked me anyways
While i cried and kicked and begged for him to stop
Love was when I didn't kill myself

Love was when i was 22, helping a stranger clean her shirt at the club after a drink was spilled on her
Love was before she abruptly stuck her long nails up my pussy from under my dress
Love was before she used my tenderness against me

Love was when i allowed a protester at PRIDE to take a selfie with me while I was naked
Love was before she grabbed my tit without permission

Love was everytime i trusted in what love was to me,
And before I experienced lovelesslness.

Love is me.

27) eLLe O V E