You are flowers,

a garden.

You are never forgotten.

I miss you
Even though you are still here.
With every white butterfly
I know you are near.
I fear
Though there is nothing left to fear.
You are safe.
And safe is not here.

I love you.

Autumn’s words:
”they keep pumping me with drugs and it’s not helping me”
”please don’t call the police, they don’t help me”
”i’m scared of myself, I am seeing scary visions and having scary thoughts”
“i’m being shamed for my mental illnesses because i have kids im supposed to take care of”
”im so worried for my kids”
”im so scared i have Stockholm syndrome, i didn’t know he was an actual pimp”

Autumn

i call for you often

i sing your song

i hum your tune

i miss every moment with you

moments of lightness

moments of light like the wind could just

lift us away

and it did

just not both of us and

ill always wonder

wonder what every day would have been like with you

Autumn

Every day I ask myself why it had to be Autumn

Who left

I didn't get enough of Autumn

I didn't get to breathe her energy enough

I didn't get to see her smile enough

Hear her laugh enough

Listen to her enough

Share my touch with her enough

Why did it have to be so quick

So short

Why didn't she stay longer

Every day

I ask myself

'Why couldn't it be anyone else?

Including myself?'

Every day I recognize

All the ways in which I could have

Shown up more

Given more

Said more

Held space for more

Shared more

Shown her more

Whispered more

Held her more

Told her more

About how much of her she still hasn't even uncovered to think she is ready to leave

Every day the pain finds a deeper place

Why didn't I tell her to STAY over when she was over

Why didn't I tell her to sleep over whenever she wants

Why didn't I tell her that I'd photograph her whenever and where ever she wants

That I'd be her bodyguard

I'd dance with her

Play with her

Sunbathe with her

Lay in the dirt with her

She liked all of those things

But she thought that her darkness was more powerful than her

She believed she couldn't overpower it

She was very worried it might take control and jeopardize the safety of her loved ones

Even in her darkest moments

Her worry was about protecting and being good for her kids

She didn't care how it was affecting her individually

She only cared to never become an evil in her loved one's lives

She was never the evil she believed she saw inside her

She was the one who

Noticed

Communicated

And did their very best

No matter how scared of her self her mind was making her feel

To me it was very clear

Autumn was

Love

Courage

Hope

Kindness

Laughter

Patience

Humility

Focus

Strength

Empathy

Sensation

Awareness

Breath

My love

I want to believe you are happier

Safer

Freer

I want to believe you can fly

And reach around the earth

I want to believe that you can see

your truth now

Your defining impact on all of us

That we need you

that you aren't your darkness

And that your darkness would never scare us off

It would never define you for us

We love you with all your parts

We love you for all your parts

You were enough.

We weren't.